January 2004 Archives

January 05, 2004 — I'm back from my recent travels. My time off was quite fun and relaxing, but I'm fairly certain it won't be long until I find new stuff to complain about. In the meantime, here are some new pictures. Have fun seeing how it impacts the smandel.com random picture game.

• Portland New Years
• Winter Break NY
• Work Christmas Party

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January 06, 2004 — I'm not so much growing a beard as I'm just not shaving. When I was younger and before hair started sprouting from my face, I used to think the expression "growing a beard" implied that you had to do something special to get one. Like rub on magic powder or do a special dance. Turns out, all you need to do is stop shaving. And that's not really "doing anything." It's actually "doing nothing" which I like. So here are my top reasons for not shaving:

• So my girlfriend can finally come around and admit "the beard's actually growing on me." While her approval is important, this is really great because I can respond with "well, it's certainly growing on me."
• Cuts down on my getting ready time. Plus, more of my blood stays inside my body where it belongs.
• I look pretty smart when I stroke it.
• People's first reaction. While I'm well aware that I've stopped shaving, it's nice for others to inform me that I'm growing a beard in case I didn't realize. I also like when people rub their face and say "alright, alright."
• Hearing people's reactions when they don't like it. Apparently, my face looks dirty, it's reminiscent of George Michael, food might get stuck in it, and I look like a rabbinical student. And that's such a bad thing - a dirty Jew with some shmutz and some faith?

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January 12, 2004 — Since United Airlines has recently proven incapable of delivering my checked baggage, I've really gotten to know Simon. Simon is United's automated, voice-activated lost baggage information system. He cleverly uses pronouns to make you feel like you're speaking to a real person. He works like this: you verbally answer a few of his questions and he tells you that he can't find your bag. He asks if you want to speak with a real person, you say yes, and he says no one is available. My relationship with Simon got off to a rocky start, but as I think about it, I kinda like the guy.

When Simon first asked me for my last name, I expected trouble. Normal phone operators typically have a hard time and it turns into "M as in Mike, A as in alpha..." But with Simon, I said "Mandel" and he said "I think you said Mandel as in M-A-N-D-E-L." He understood me pretty well and was able to give me a response very quickly without any hold time.

Simon frustrated me at first because all I wanted to do was bitch to a real person. But then it occurred to me. Bitching to Simon was as useful as, if not better than, bitching to a real person. Neither one really cared, it didn't help them find my bag faster, and with Simon, I could say anything I wanted without him hanging up, getting offended, or calling the cops.

"I hate you, you incompetent piece of shit!" I screamed out. Simon said "I think you said help. Is this correct?" I said, "No, dumbass." He said, "I think you said delayed bag. Is this correct?"

If I programmed Simon, I would definitely have some fun with how he responds to certain phrases. But then again, I guess you'd want to be pretty certain about what Simon heard before he comes back with "Fuck you too."

So now that computers are getting better at understanding and talking back to people, I think people really need to get better at talking to them. We always sound awkwardly deliberate, unnecessarily loud, and unnaturally monotone when we do this (like when we record our name on our voicemail). I think if Simon can sound like he's having fun, we could too.

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January 13, 2004 —

While at the Museum of Flight in Seattle I saw an imitation Lego version of a Northwest plane. So I bought it.

Look at the picture and tell me if you see any problems. That's right. There are no holes in his ass so he can't sit on the plane. He can only stand on the plane. And that's just the beginning. Despite the airplane announcement, most people actually get in the plane, not on the plane (thanks George Carlin). So why did they give me this enormous man whose eyes are literally bigger than the plane's windows (literally -- I measured)? What am I supposed to do with him? Is this some kinda King Kong thing? And if so, why is he a giant dork instead of a giant ape-monster?

If Lego is having their worst year ever, I can't imagine how these dumbass imitators are doing. The pieces barely fit together, they come apart too easily, and the decals went completely over the bricks so you can't take it apart. This brand was called "Best Block." Yeah, right. More like "Worst Block."

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January 14, 2004 — I really can't stand the fabricated just rolled out of bed look. I first noticed this in high school during final exams and have seen it more recently in airports. I presume these girls (guys don't do this) want to make it look like they don't care about their appearance for the day.

It looks authentic at first glance because they wear either the velour jumpsuit, sweatpants, or pajamas. But the whole thing is a sham because they also manage to put on makeup, style their hair, and accessorize their overpriced, color-coordinated outfit. I estimate that it probably takes them at least an hour to make it look like they just rolled out of bed. I find this funny because it takes me no time at all to look like I just rolled out of bed.

So if you're in your pajamas on the plane, your breath better smell bad, your eyes and mouth should be crusty, and your hair better be knotty and greasy. Or, you can just put on normal clothes like everyone else and stop pretending like you don't care.

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January 19, 2004 — For the second week in a row, I have been called a pulsating driver. Apparently, I drive like this: gas, no gas, gas, no gas. Being that I'd never heard this before and that both accusations came from the same no-good punk, I didn't think much of it.

Then I found out that, just like my go kart driving, this issue is so significant that people discuss it behind my back. "I once knew this guy in high school who was a pulsating driver," someone says. "A what?," they get asked. "You know, like Seth." That's right, I'm right there in the dictionary -- you can find me under "pulsating driver." Don't get confused and look me up under "guy who's always there for you whenever you need someone." I'm not there. Just under pulsating driver.

Fortunately, this problem is not so severe that it would prevent people from relying on me to provide door-to-door service to the airport, return them home when they're too drunk, battle the weather from Chicago or Milwaukee while they sleep in the back, or run random errands for them. Whew!

Fresh off of learning that I was a pulsating driver, I returned to my apartment to do some cleaning (even though there is no point). A few minutes into it, my neighbor from below knocks on my door. Apparently, I am "the loudest walker he's every encountered in his 15 years of living in apartments." He doesn't know if slam my feet down with every step but I'm driving him crazy, keeping him up at night, and I need to be more considerate. I'm thinking about asking one of my engineering friends to build me a system of pulleys so that I may suspend myself from the ceiling, pull myself around my apartment, and make absolutely no contact with the floor. Maybe I can even get a Peter Pan costume.

I don't know why people say I don't take criticism well. I love it! Please, go use the comments section to respond to this topic: "Here's what I don't like about Seth." Better yet, please call my friend Simon at 800-221-6903 and I'm sure he'll pass along your thoughts.

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January 20, 2004 — I got an email from John Davin and he's got a Web site too! I've added him to the links section. It also turns out that little John Davin is a senior now and that just makes me feel old.

It also seems that there's now a Tartan internship class. It's bad too that wasn't around when I was a student. It seems like the kinda scam I would have taken advantage of. Back in my day, I had to find my own creative approaches to doing coursework.

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January 21, 2004 — At the grocery store last night, the cashier forgot to scan my discount card. She sent me to the customer service desk where the manager told me she would have to rescan all the sale items.

At first I thought this would be a drag, but as we started doing it, it turned out to be a lot of fun. She'd call out three items like this: "olive oil, orange juice, ice cream." I'd rummage around my cart, find it, and quickly hand it to her. I approached it like a game and pushed real hard to do it as quickly as I could. And I even earned cash for each item! It made me feel a little like I was on Supermarket Sweep.

Supermarket Sweep is one of my all time favorite game shows. And Dave Ruprecht is my idol. The image of fat people in sweatpants running around a supermarket throwing enormous quantities of food into their cart is priceless. Them struggling to get their arms around a gigantic inflatable bottle of Pepto Bismol is even better.

I always thought a good idea for a party would be to rent out a supermarket and play Supermarket Sweep. Then it occurred to me, you don't really need to rent it out. All you need to do is show up, fill up your cart with food, and just leave it there when you're done. Some overworked, underpaid kid will put everything back for you. Anyone interested?

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January 26, 2004 — ASEEM! has just rolled out Amazing Ketchup into the production environment. I'd like to welcome my latest buddy to the Web and encourage others to check it out for a virtual stop and chat. It will be amazing.

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January 27, 2004 — New pictures from a get together at my Madison apartment.

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January 29, 2004 — A while back (10/14/03), I wrote about my dislike of certain non-verbal interactive salutations. As some people know, I recently got a pretty bad burn on my knuckle. These two incidents are related because my recent burn unfortunately coincided with meeting the members of Erin's 50 person entourage throughout last weekend in DC. I spent the weekend shaking hands and experiencing pain. But I just didn't feel right denying a handshake from a stranger.

As I think about this more, I really don't think there's anything wrong with denying a handshake. I would much rather get denied than shake someone's hand that is covered with blood, shit, piss, or snot. I'd definitely prefer to hear "I'm gonna have to pass. Just went to the bathroom. No TP. Couldn't spare a square."

To help prevent excruciating pain for me, the following non-verbal interactive salutation restrictions are in effect:

• No handshakes
• No fist punches (standard or advanced)

Thank you for your consideration.

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January 29, 2004 — It's sad to hear of Ed Sciaky's death. Ed is the famous Philadelphia DJ who played an enormous role in making Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen famous. His early recording of Billy Joel's performance on WMMR is classic and his playing of Captain Jack helped launch Billy's career. He's also responsible for Sundays with Springsteen, Springsteen A to Z, and some amazing coverage of the Philly shows, which resulted in some of the best shows of the recent tour.

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