February 2004 Archives

February 04, 2004 — We typically talk about case sensitivity in terms of technical things like programming languages. But I would contend that people are case sensitive as well.

This is true in the literal sense when people get upset when you forget to capitalize the second D in McDonald and look at you funny if yOU wRiTe LIke thIS. But I think people get worked up about case in a more indirect way. It seems like people get pretty stressed out and worked up about things that start with capital letters -- more specifically, proper nouns.

Going out for a night -- spelled with a lowercase "n" -- is fun because there isn't a lot of pressure for things to be perfect and there aren't high expectations. Going out for "New Year's Eve" is a whole other thing. Those three big letters get everyone all worked up and people sometimes try too hard to make it special. There are also twice as many people out because everyone is trying to perfectly fulfill their Vision of the Perfect Night. As a result, these things are never as good as you hope they will be because you expect so much and because there are twice as many people on line for drinks and the Bathroom. For this reason, I'd much rather go to a place named "some bar" instead of "The Best Bar Ever" (tune in tomorrow for a lesson on superlatives).

I think people would be a lot happier if they STOPPED WORRYING ABOUT CAPITAL LETTERS! And by the way, just call me seth. I like it better that way.

Comments (0)

February 05, 2004 — As you may remember from grammar class, the superlative form of an adjective means it's the extreme degree of comparison. "Best," "most outstanding," and "coolest" are examples of superlatives. These words help us convey that the corresponding noun is of the maximum order within a particular domain. It should be all you need to concisely convey your thought. But for some reason, most people don't trust it and use lots of extraneous words to make their point.

During my recent ski lesson, a classmate said this was her "absolute very, very first time skiing ever." While it was my first time as well, I didn't use the extra four words. Had it been anything else, I would have used a different word than "first," such as "second," "third," or "fourth." If I needed to further clarify, I might have said, "first time this year" but that wasn't necessary in this case.

I think I know why people do this. It's because people have lost their respect for the superlative. People say they're having the best time, saw the coolest movie, or met the biggest loser. Unless you're Peter Gibbons, every day probably isn't the worst day of your life. But people say it anyway, presumably to add emphasis.

So we've gotten ourselves into a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" situation. Since we use superlatives so often, they aren't always interpreted into their literal meaning. So people throw in lots of other words to emphasize that, this time, they really mean it.

These extra words are unnecessary and we should avoid using them when possible. I think President Barlet said it well when he said "something can't be 'very unique' nor can it be 'extremely historic.'" We really need to think about what we're saying and ask ourselves whether it makes sense or whether it is the absolute most confusing thing you've ever heard in your entire life.

Comments (0)

February 10, 2004 — This weekend Shaina and I got seated at a corner table at Fuel 'n Fuddle. Seconds after sitting down, my eyes unfortunately shot up toward the exposed ass crack of a large man on a bar stool playing adult video games. Shaina inquired about my sudden grimace and soon she too caught a glimpse. I didn't want to seem like an ass, but I simply could not sit behind this man's behind. Shortly after the waitress moved us, she sat another couple to the rear of the assman. Shaina and I watched them until they noticed. It didn't take long. It's pretty obvious when someone's eyes unfortunately shoot up toward the exposed ass crack of a large man on a bar stool playing adult video games. But this couple wasn't as anal as we were and they stayed and ate. We were cracking up.

This experience convinced me that we need to raise the level of public debate about this issue in America. People need to worry less about the exposed breasts of Janet Jackson and worry more about the exposed ass cracks of large men on bar stools playing adult videos games. We need to provide the pant industry with tax incentives to support the research, development, and production of ass crack shields. Forget about what I've said regarding stain defender, wrinkle free, and breathable pants in the past. Forget about these low-rise jeans that are so hip and cool. Let's build high-rise jeans. Let's build high-rise jeans so high that they rise up, stretch around, and completely cover over the ass cracks of every large man, large woman, and large child in America whether they're standing, whether they're bending over, whether they're on bar stools playing adult videos games.

Comments (3)

February 16, 2004 — Marty has been whining about a broken link on my site for days now. Although he's technically my boss (or more accurately, my boss's boss), I feel his jurisdiction does not extend to smandel.com. Nevertheless, I've fixed the link on the Whining page.

It's interesting to note that when he was younger, Marty played the role of the bully in "A Christmas Story." (Credit goes to Megan for providing the scarf and noting the resemblance)

Comments (0)

February 17, 2004 — I'd like to send this letter to someone like Ann Landers but I think she's dead. Perhaps someone out there can help.

I get this funny feeling when I have something on the clipboard in Windows. As soon as I do a control-C, I start having this feeling that I have something pending. These thoughts keep circling around in my head... I have this data on the clipboard... I have to remember to paste it... I have to remember to not copy something else. This feeling doesn't pass until I do a control-V and expunge the data from the clipboard.

Sometimes I'll copy something and then get interrupted. The pending feeling remains in my mind even while I'm doing something else. Sometimes I forget about the clipboard but the feeling remains. I go crazy trying to figure out what I need to do.

The problem is especially serious if I no longer have the source data available. The clipboard is the only place that has my data! If someone interrupts me, I make them wait until the data is safely off the clipboard. Those can sure me some tense moments!

Please let me know if this feeling is normal. I would appreciate any advice you could offer to help me with my problem. Any don't suggest I use that new Office XP multiple clipboard feature. That thing is crap and I hate it.

Comments (2)

February 18, 2004 — Oh, nostalgia. While going through my room in New City, I came across what my friends and I affectionately referred to as "the perma pass." The principal gave me this ultimate get out of jail free card because I was Editor of the school newspaper and sometimes I had to do "official business." And other times, I just needed to get past annoying teachers who insisted you have a pass while roaming the halls. Doesn't it seem kinda silly that we used to need a pass to walk around? It would be funny if I had to ask my boss for a pass every time I had to go to the restroom or to a meeting. "Hi, Sara. I know you're really busy but I'm about to facilitate a requirements gathering meeting to build a solution that helps our clients achieve an enterprise-wide paradigm shift. Can I have a pass?"

Comments (2)

February 23, 2004 — Since I hate hypocrites, I try very hard to not be hypocritical. Claiming to hate hypocrites and then being a hypocrite yourself is perhaps the ultimate in hypocrisy. It's almost recursive.

This issue comes to mind because of a recent incident with a free hat that bears my employer's latest corporate logo. Without much consideration, I quickly proclaimed that it was the worst piece of crap I'd ever seen in my life. In addition to my rhetorical faux pas, this was a problem because I decided I actually liked the hat once I tried it on. It was partially due to the fact that, when combined with my beard, it made me look like a famous movie director. My problem is this: I want to wear the hat but I don't want to look like a hypocritical Steven Spielberg. So I hereby withdraw my previous comments about the hat. I like it.

I'm starting to get concerned about the opportunities for hypocrisy that I'm opening up with this Web site. What happens if one day I show up wearing my Abercrombie football team jersey, give an advanced first punch, and completely forget how to calculate percentages and probabilities. That would literally be the most embarrassing thing I've even done in my whole entire life.

Here's the Jerry Springer final thought: people changes, circumstances change, opinions change. As long as you remain true to your thoughts at any given time, then you're being true to yourself and true to everyone else. So I like the hat and I'm sticking with it. For now.

Comments (0)

February 24, 2004 — I've been known to send a letter or two when something bothers me. I've just realized that there's something even better than sending a letter -- someone else sending a letter on your behalf.

The City of Pittsburgh messed up processing my tax returns and said I owed all this money which I didn't. The City wasn't extremely helpful when I spoke with them, so I told them that they'd be hearing from my accountant. The company accountant sent a brilliant letter to represent me, as their client. It made me feel real important and cool.

Now I need a lawyer. I've always wanted to say "you'll be hearing from my lawyer." In fact, why just have a lawyer? I want all kinds of people on retainer. Like when my ceiling starts leaking and my landlord claims it isn't a defect in the apartment, I'll just say, "you'll be hearing from my plumber." When someone questions my fashion sense, I'll say, "you'll be hearing from my queer guy." And when guyim make Jewish jokes, I'll say, "you'll be hearing from my rabbi."

It might also be fun to use specific names like "you'll be hearing from my financial advisor, Alan Greenspan." Or, even better, fictional names like "you'll be hearing from my detective, Lennie Briscoe."

Comments (1)

February 25, 2004 — You'll have to excuse me for saying this, but I find the "begging for forgiveness" expressions to often be overly dramatic, completely inappropriate, and totally insincere. Excuse me, pardon me, please forgive me. These expressions are used for both minor and major discretions. Minor discretions are things like trying to get someone's attention or accidentally bumping into someone. Major discretions are things like knocking over an old lady with a shopping cart or running over a little girl's puppy with your car. Belching and farting can go either way. Depends who's around.

Recently I witnessed a flight attendant lightly brush a coat again as passenger's arm. "I beg your pardon," she said. Was she serious? Was it really necessary to beg? I mean, was she really concerned that this guy was contemplating whether or not he should forgive her?

I know it's just something people say and what we say isn't always what we mean. Sometimes on the moving walkway people will be standing on the entire width even though the announcement clearly says "please stand on the right so that others may pass on the left." I sometimes say "excuse me" which is really just a euphemism for "get out of my way, you inconsiderate bastard."

People also incorrectly use these expressions when they're confused, shocked, or pissed off. Suppose I'm on a plane and I say "Move your arm off my half of the armrest, you fat piece of shit." Chances are the response will be "Excuse me?" You see, the person is pretending he didn't hear me correctly so he is excusing himself for not hearing well. "Are you deaf, asshole?" Now it's been confirmed that I am indeed picking a fight. In response, I might get "I beg your pardon!" Here there's a definite emphasis as the person starts to get shocked and outraged. But really, it's kinda silly to be begging for forgiveness when you're in this position -- especially when you didn't really do anything wrong. So I would say, "I'll consider pardoning you for being fat, deaf, and an asshole but I certainly won't pardon you for taking up my armrest and using an expression in an incorrect and passive aggressive way." It would be approximately at this point when the sky marshal comes over and says "Excuse me, sir, what seems to be the problem?" Before he tasers me, he feels the need to apologize for interrupting my conversation.

I, of course, would never say something as bold as that. I'd probably just "accidentally" brush my arm into his and say "excuse me." He'd say "gosh, pardon me, I'm practically taking up this whole armrest. Please go ahead."

Comments (1)

back to the archive index