August 2004 Archives

August 02, 2004 — Up until last week, I hadn’t ridden a bicycle since I was a kid. If you find that surprising, funny, or a little embarrassing, then you may enjoy hearing a bit more about my adventures.

If you’ve ever been to Madison, you might know that it’s a bike town. Since I wasn’t a biker, this troubled me and I’ve been meaning to rent a bike to try out the old adage. Last weekend, I finally got around to it. Despite some initial tense moments, I managed to do alright and was extremely surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I spent several hours on my (their) bike and was actually pretty sad to give it back.

On Monday night, I bought a bike. I thoroughly enjoyed mornings and evenings with my bike. Since it was like my own version of the percentage tour, I figured I’d write up my own version of lessons I’ve learned.

• There is no correlation between how tightly you grip the handle bars and how well you stay balanced. There is a definite correlation between your grip and the size of the blister you get.
• When a salesperson asks you whether you want a comfortable bike, they aren’t subtly asking you how much you want to spend. In fact, with bikes, it’s pretty much the opposite of how most things work. A cheaper bike is usually more comfortable – which for me is awesome. Imagine if you went in to buy a car and said “well, I’m on a budget so I guess I’ll just settle on that one with the sunroof, customized adjustable leather seats, and power everything.”
• Riding through puddles on your bike is just like riding through puddles in your car. Without the car around you to keep you dry.
• There may be a situation when you’re a little freaked out because you’re peddling up a slightly inclined bridge, there’s a lake on one side and a busy street on the other, two bikers whiz by you, you try to avoid the lady pushing the stroller, and you grab onto the railing after you start peddling out of control because the chain has fallen off its gear. This is the exact moment when some asshole wearing a USPS jersey and bike shorts speeds by with you with both hands casually stretched in the air to make you feel extra good about yourself.
• The bugs in the weeds by the lake sounds exactly like a bike. No matter how many times I ride by there, I keep looking around to see who’s gaining on me.
• When there is a dog on one side of the path and a person on the other, it is more likely than not that there is a leash connecting the two, regardless of whether you can see it from far away. You appreciate that your mind is sharp enough to perform this type of reasoning before your body figures it out for you.
• Geese really don’t move out of your way. You definitely don’t want to play a game of chicken with a goose. They have a genetic advantage.
• Hand signaling is important. But on your first day, keeping both hands on the handlebars is equally as important. Signaling and scratching your nose are best left to day two and after.
• I thought my ass had all the padding I’d ever need. Not true. For those of you wondering, that’s why I was walking around like that all week.

I’m looking forward to good times with my bike. I’d like to thank the following people for their help during this exciting first week:

• Marty, for helping me pick out the bike, pointing out the cool trails, and showing his support by buying a bike of his own later in the week.
• Joel, for encouraging me to lower my handle bars so I don’t look like a rapper. As a reminder, while there is nothing wrong with laughing at my stories, you can’t proactively make fun of me. That’s just mean. Punk.
• Heather, for allowing her white board to grow into a complete chronicle of figures and diagrams regarding my bike and my experiences with it.

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August 05, 2004 — They're the biggest freaking scam ever.

Imagine you paid $3.75 for the privilege of reading some stupid observation like that on some cardstock. That's what a greeting cards is.

After all this time I’ve finally realized what's important when buying a greeting card. Size. Forget about what it says. If it doesn't fit nicely in your inner suit pocket, don't get it. You're kidding yourself if you think people are actually going to read what it says. They won't. They will, however, remember if you hand them a crinkled, folded up mess of a card. It doesn't matter how thoughtful or sentimental it was. You're still an asshole.

Sometimes you spend lots of time finding the card that says the perfect message. Don't get that card. Then there's nothing left for you to say. You end up feeling like an inconsiderate and impersonal bastard because all you can do is add the date, the greeting, and sign your name. You're better off finding the card you like, copying down the message, and then writing that on a different card. That makes you seem more original and thoughtful.

Here's my absolute favorite thing to do with greeting cards. Get a completely inappropriate card. A Barney the dinosaur kid's card for an adult, a girl card for a guy, or best of all, something about Jesus for an atheist. For as often as I've seen this done, it just never gets old for me. I laugh every time. This is even funnier when it's not intentional (like my uncle's "ever since I was a little girl..." card to my grandmother).

Finally, I haven't completely ruled out making my own cards again. I may pull out my old Apple IIC and whip up something nice on Print Shop. After some thinking, thinking, thinking and printing, printing, printing, I can end up with a gorgeous dot matrix extravaganza. I can even print a clever slogan on the back of the card. That's the best part.

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August 09, 2004 — Like many people, I tend to pick up the habits of those around me. While I don't intentionally try to act like others, I can't help from automatically using phrases and gestures of people I know. Usually it's pretty easy to identify where I've picked these things up but sometimes it's harder to track down the source of new inherited behaviors.

The most classic example of this infectious influence on my speech patterns, of course, is Erin. Thanks to her, I start about every other sentence with "I feel like…", frequently use the phrase "in fact" for added emphasis, and for about a week after I see her, say everything with an upward inflection.

While I'm not particularly proud of talking like I girl, there is something comforting about integrating little components of others into my personality. Here are some that I've collected over the years. "Amazing" comes from Aseem, "who are these people?" comes from martisa, and "nice job, us" as well as several non-verbal gestures come from Brian. I've taken "it's the same, only different" from a work client and "I'm only driving one way" from my dad. "In literature as in life," "the berry," "flip," and "would it be inappropriate if I called you a..." come from JK.

And then there are some that never quite caught on, despite best efforts. "Permadowns" only gets resurrected during Mike/Mike/Mike (I mean Seth) reunions. I'm not quite special enough for sstille's excited hang-clapping, "oops," or "it's a slow process." And I don't order enough nearly vodka gimlets to do it like Greg.

As for the ones that are harder to track down, I'm struggling with one of those right now. "So, it's sorta like..." has been the most recent phrase to permeate my speech repertoire. I use this while explaining things and recently, I've being doing lots of explaining. So I use it all the time. Is anyone willing to take responsibility for infecting me with this extraneous, useless, and annoying expression?

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August 11, 2004 — I've posted some pictures from Lee and Katie's wedding.

The picture on the right is the best view of the happy couple -- you can't see Lee's face. Incidentally, it was their wedding that lead to my observations about greeting cards. The card I bought said "Congratulations and best wishes." When it was time to write my message, the best I could do was write "Congratulations! Best wishes, Seth." But, the card did fit beautifully in my pocket which was definitely worth something!

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August 13, 2004 — Have you ever noticed the cliche bar scene from movies and TV? It goes something like this. Someone is upset and they go to a bar to drown their sorrows. Another characters shows up and says "I thought you might be here." They proceed to have deep, inspiring conversation. The sad person just wants to be left alone but he eventually enjoys the company.

I'm wondering how that other character always knows how to find the sad person. Especially if that person just wants to be left alone. If they wanted to be left alone why would they go to such a predictable place? And if they did just go to some random bar, what are the chances of the other person finding them there in cities like New York with thousands of bars?

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August 14, 2004 — I'm pretty sure this was the first weekend with a logo, customized shirts, and a mix CD.

We summoned up the posse for a weekend of beer and cheese in Wisconsin, not to mention go-karts, freak ducks, and the cops. Most pictures are now online. And they even have captions.

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August 15, 2004 — I've posted some new pictures from a weekend in Madison at the Great Taste of the Midwest.

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August 18, 2004 — When it comes to our appearance, we must all make decisions. The decision may be as simple as climbing through the Good Will drop box or as complex as consulting an expert panel of gay men. Like most people, I like to think I fall somewhere in between. And while I don't regret my efforts to look presentable, I sometimes wonder if it's really worth it.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't really notice what people wear. I thought I was a fairly observant person until I performed a few runs of a little experiment. About halfway through the day, when I was away from everyone, I thought about the five people I spend the most time with at work and see if I can remember what they were wearing. I can recall noticeable things – like when six other people are wearing the same outfit as me, when someone is wearing a suit, or when someone drops an ice cream cone on his shirt. An especially short skirt or tight shirt might be memorable too, but the middle-aged Indian men I work with don't tend to dress like that. More often than not, I have no clue what everyone else is wearing. And unless I look down, I usually don't even remember what I'm wearing.

My point is that it's kind of ridiculous when I try to determine if socks are blue or black by holding them up to the light and comparing and contrasting them with known colors. If I can't tell the difference under those circumstances, it's pretty unlikely that my coworkers will be whispering and giggling about how I'm wearing dark blue socks with black pants. Likewise, it's silly to be concerned about your outfit looking too much like the one from the previous day. No one remembers. And also, no one cares. If you stay away from fanny packs, socks and sandals, and, depending who is around, brown belts with black shoes, you'll probably be alright.

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August 23, 2004 — Summer in Wisconsin is awesome. Just a week after the Beer Fest is another wonderful Wisconsin tradition -- the Corn Fest. For those of you who haven't experienced it yet, it can only be described through pictures. Racing midgets, mayo corn, smashing beer bottles, salt trees, and tons (70) of husks.

Annual work Betty Lou cruise	Sun Prairie Corn Fest

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August 25, 2004 — Whether it's pants or cell phones, it's becoming more and more difficult to buy a regular version of something. Everything is loaded with extra features and that means extra decisions. This overwhelming abundance of choices has now extended into the sacred area of orange juice and that bothers me.

It used to be that I'd go to the store and get some orange juice. I'd usually get Tropicana Pure Premium (I don't like Minute Maid). It was that simple. Now, even within the Tropicana section there's an overwhelming number of varieties.

It started off slow. I remember when they added the "Plus Calcium" variety. Then came vitamin D. Then they mixed in Tangerine. Soon there were all kinds of permutations of various vitamins, minerals, and fruits. Some didn't even contain orange juice!

Now they have even more gimmicks. "Immunity Defense" is one. They also have "Low Acid." The funniest is the "Light and Healthy." I'm sorry, but anyone who buys this is a moron. They advertise it as having half the calories and half the sugar. When you read the ingredients you can see why. Because it contains half the orange juice. Seriously. They just water it down. If for some reason I couldn't handle full strength OJ, I'd water it down myself and get twice as much for the same price.

Tropicana might think they are doing customers a service by offering all these options. But it just stresses me out. Why should I have to decide between immunity, calcium, tangerine, and low acid? It makes me feel like maybe I should consult a doctor before I buy my juice.

I hope "Smooth and Intoxicating" is on its way. Because we really need to decide between building strong bones, preventing colds, and getting trashed. Maybe someday they'll make a super variety that does it all.

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August 30, 2004 — New pictures from some friends visiting Madison. Shooting grass, getting free pint glasses, and drinking boots...

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